tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80792962160177531142024-03-05T03:55:43.315-07:00Java's WhimsyJava Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.comBlogger352125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-80128040218289335022013-07-31T01:18:00.001-06:002013-07-31T01:18:03.916-06:00Jitter Bug<br />
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...loves to watch the birds at the feeders.<br />
<br />Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-66418067513405916882013-06-24T15:58:00.001-06:002013-06-24T15:58:42.077-06:00A Long Time Gone....as usual.<br />
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<br />Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-50671417633875518382013-02-04T22:56:00.001-07:002013-02-04T22:58:20.570-07:00Soooo BIG!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Dear Tatum,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Sometimes, when I look at you, I see your daddy. Sometimes, when I look at you, I see your mommy. Sometimes, when I look at you, I see my dad. Sometimes when I look at you, I see your Grandma Deb.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Sometimes it is all within a short little span of ten minutes. IT amazes me to see all these generations represented in your sweet little face.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Mostly, what I see is a miniature person whose personality is unfolding before our very eyes. You are such a happy little boy. I see your face light up when you see your mommy and daddy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">One of the best things in the world for me right now is when you fall asleep in my arms. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am so in love with you, Sweet Tatum. I am so happy I get to be your Mimi. </span>Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-61196947442764505272013-01-03T19:11:00.001-07:002013-01-03T19:11:23.960-07:00Kansas in the Rear View Mirror<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I did a little reorganizing of photos on my hard drive today and came across some old photos. I love looking at old photos ... even if there is no journaling to tell the story. I know I should journal, but looking at those photos, I was reminded of a silly woman who was afraid to move, but who was so grateful for the experiencing moving.<br />
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I loved visiting this reservoir. It was the closest I could get to beachcombing. I found some of the prettiest drift wood here and I even found a fantastic shell.<br />
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I saw these photos that I snapped. I remembered the air that day was cool. I remembered the mud was sticky. I remembered the air was heavy with the smell of pungent wild fire smoke. I remembered staring at those dead trees that had drowned in the deep water of the reservoir and wondering how long they'd been there. I wondered if anyone had enjoyed their shade. I remembered feeling like it seemed almost of prehistoric times. I had such a feeling of curiosity and wonder yet I felt an eeriness, too.<br />
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Moving away from all that I knew and stepping outside of my comfort zone was terribly frightening to me. Once I got there, the time passed rather quickly. Before I knew it, it was time to pack everything up and come back home. I look back at the Kansas pages of my memory books with very fond memories. Each and every one of us grew by leaps and bounds from that experience.Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-61879788295715558582013-01-03T01:46:00.003-07:002013-07-27T04:00:59.713-06:002013<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's the start of a brand new year!</div>
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"So what will you do with your one wild and precious life?"</div>
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Mary Oliver</div>
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Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-58891181112797060312012-12-19T02:36:00.000-07:002012-12-19T02:43:59.973-07:00Freebies for Christmas!It is Christmas time and I am in the mood for giving!<br />
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I designed these adorable little gift tags for you to use in your Christmas gift giving.<br />
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I ask that you use these for your personal use only and that you not sell them anywhere. You may download and print this file as many times as you need.<br />
You may link to my blog, but please do not put this file on your own blog. These are my original design and it is protected by copyright laws.<br />
<br />
If you agree to my terms of use, then click <span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://docs.google.com/file/d/0Bw4nopMzeUWnYmlVQzFNU2RvQ3M/edit">HERE</a></span> to get the full-size PDF so you can print your gift tags.<br />
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Merry Christmas!<br />
<br />Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-38471510414170933542012-10-25T13:12:00.001-06:002012-10-25T13:14:27.708-06:00A Song For Tatum<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Angel's Lullaby</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
as sung by Reba McEntire</div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-37686660170803918102012-10-16T15:52:00.002-06:002012-10-16T15:52:25.484-06:00Autumnal Vibrations<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Got out for a bit to enjoy some of the beautiful Colorado scenery with all five of my children yesterday.Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-8670563061990771122012-07-09T13:11:00.001-06:002012-07-09T13:11:20.638-06:0025 ThingsI see these lists everywhere. I decided I wanted to give this style of blogging a try because I have been so distracted lately and haven't been able to log in as often as I would choose. So here we go.<br />
<br />
1. I love thrifting. While all of my personal affects are still safely packed away in storage crates somewhere in Kansas, I have managed to piece together a lovely work station for doing homework. I found a lovely stained glass lamp and a comfortable red chair and another little table for my printer/scanner. Super affordable and I like the way it all looks together.<br />
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<span id="goog_224366420"></span><span id="goog_224366421"></span><br />
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2. I live right across the street from the Farmer's Market. Every Sunday, the main street in town here gets blocked off so vendors can sell their wares. It's fun. It's festive.<br />
<br />
3. I am glad to be back in Colorado so I can watch as my daughter's baby bump grows.<br />
<br />
4. We have less than 5 weeks to eagerly anticipate the arrival of our newest little family member.<br />
<br />
5. I am knitting a lovely baby blanket.<br />
<br />
6. Jitter loves that work in progress and has already made a few snags in the blanket. I cut his claws short so that can't happen.<br />
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7. Amanda came for a visit today. She brought our mail to us. There was a package from Karen. She sent me some lovely clothes and adorable sleepers for Tatum to wear.<br />
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8. Kaitlyn is coming for a visit today, too. She should be here sometime after lunch. It will be good to see her!<br />
<br />
9. Today, the weather is cool and cloudy. The same as it was yesterday and the day before. This is a very welcomed change from the extremely high temperatures we were having.<br />
<br />
10. I love cloudy and rainy days.<br />
<br />
11. The kids went to the store this morning and bought some Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies. I ate two and really wish I hadn't. I am allergic to wheat and am now paying the price. Boooo!<br />
<br />
12. I got to go to knit night with my knitting buddy, Rose, last week. It was so fun to go and hang out with the girls. It was even better to be remembered by all my fellow knitters. They all asked to see a picture of my wedding dress. I crocheted it while I sat next to a lot of them, but the never got to see the finished product. I will need to remember to load a few of the photos onto my phone so I can share it with them this week.<br />
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13. I am planning a baby shower for my daughter. It will be a lot of fun. I am starting to get RSVP calls. It is so exciting!<br />
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14. Last week was the beginning of a whole new session at school. I had gotten distracted and thrown off course and fell behind. I worked really hard for three days in a row and got all of my school work caught up. I am so relieved and happy.<br />
<br />
15. It was so dry here in Colorado over the 4th of July that most every fireworks display was cancelled due to extreme fire danger. It was a little strange.<br />
<br />
16. I miss shopping at Trader Joe's. We used to make a trip to Trader Joe's once per month when I lived in Kansas. Ryan and I would drive to Kansas City, Missouri for his Orthodontic appointments. But now that he is finished with braces and we don't live there, we don't go. I know were are supposed to be getting a Trader Joe's soon, but until then, I do miss it....which kind of surprises me.<br />
<br />
17. I started crocheting a lace scarf called an Alpine Frost. It is made with laceweight yarn. The first three rows are beautiful I can't wait to have it finished. It will be so pretty and warm this Fall and Winter.<br />
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<br />
18. I am using my gorgeous ladybug crochet hooks designed by Heather Rhodes to make the Alpine Frost scarf. They are gorgeous polymer clay handles that add a bit of girth to the handles and texture that make holding a crochet hook for extended periods of time more comfortable...and a whole lot more fun. I am thrilled with her ladybug design, too!<br />
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19. Coming up with 25 things to write about is really a bit of a challenge. I really thought it would be a piece of cake! It's a challenge.<br />
<br />
20. All of the men went fishing yesterday. All together, they caught 33 fish. They released them all back into the water though.<br />
<br />
21. My graduation is inching closer and closer. I am really starting to feel excited. my classes are getting more and more challenging and I am beginning to feel like a real designer.<br />
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22. I slept later today than I have in a long time. I slept until 9:30. I usually wake up at 6:00. I get out of bed right away to enjoy a little quiet time before everyone wakes up.<br />
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23. I need some more coffee. My cup is almost empty.<br />
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24. Yay! I am almost to 25 and then I can refill my coffee cup and then go take a shower to get ready for Kaitlyn to come visit.<br />
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25. Yay! I did it! I found 25 random things to write about. That last one seemes like it shouldn't count...so I will tell you that the kids and I walked around the lake in Parker last week. We dipped our feet in the water. It was refreshing and good to spend time together.<br />
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<br />Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-38855062195104584622012-06-19T07:54:00.002-06:002012-06-19T20:42:19.891-06:00<br />
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Ladybugs<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was the afternoon of Halloween. Quincy’s First Grade
class was having their celebration. Rob and I walked to the school to drop off Quincy's costume. When we got there, we discovered that he was using another
costume. We watched the kids dance to appropriately chosen theme music, snapped
some photos and then we walked home.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart was so heavy with thoughts of my dad. He was in
South Carolina literally on his deathbed. I knew it wouldn’t be long until he
was gone from my life forever. Rob and I walked hand in hand in silence except
for the footsteps his combat boots and my Danskos made with leaves crunching
under our feet. I was wearing an ivory colored sweater. I noticed a ladybug
landed on my chest. Then it took flight again and flew near my right shoulder
at the same pace that we walked. I thought that was so neat. Since that ladybug
interrupted my intense thoughts of my dad, I decided that I would always think
of my dad whenever I saw a ladybug. It granted me some comfort. Rob and I
walked the rest of the way to our home.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next day, my dad was taken by ambulance to the VA
hospital in Charlotte. Karen followed in her car. We talked briefly. She told me she would call
once he had been admitted. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The day progressed on and the news nor my dad’s condition never
improved. In fact, dad was actively dying and I hated the thought. Later that
night, Karen called and told me that my dad’s breathing had changed and she was
certain this would be the last change before the suffering ended. She allowed
me to say goodbye to him one more time. Through tears and sobs, I told him it
was okay for him to go and that he was a good dad. I told him I would be all
right. Karen called my sister. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
God! I wanted to be in the room with my dad. The few minutes
that my sister got to talk to my dad to say goodbye felt like and eternity. I
felt small and alone. I longed for connection. I sent a text message and asked
my sister to call me when she hung up. She did. We talked about dad and about
other things. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suddenly remembered the ladybug from the day before. I
sent Karen a series of text messages. The first one read: “Karen, will you
please ask my dad to send me ladybugs when he gets there?” The next one read:
“Karen, I know you are busy, but this is really important. Can you please
whisper in his ear to send me ladybugs?” No reply came. The next was, “Karen?
Are you getting my messages? I need to know he hears this message before it’s
too late.” She didn’t respond.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For each message I sent, I didn’t get a response from her.
My mind and my heart started racing. I tried to stay in the moment in the
conversation with my sister, but I couldn’t focus. I knew my dad was dying and
all I could think about was him. My sister was in the middle of a sentence and
I said, “I’m sorry, Danielle. I need to let you go. I need to call Karen to ask
her something.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She said, “Do you mind if I ask what you’re going to ask
her?” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I felt an intense surge of urgency. I told her, “I’m sorry.
I need to call her <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">right now.</i> I will
tell you about it in a few minutes when I call you back. Don’t leave your
phone. This won’t take long. I promise I will call you back in a few minutes.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hung up with Danielle and used speed dial to call Karen.
Her phone rang five times and went to voicemail. I hung up and called right
back. I knew she couldn’t have gotten too far from her phone. I must’ve called
three or four times and each time the phone call was answered by voicemail. I
was feeling really panicked at this point. I sent Danielle a text and started
to explain to her what I wanted to ask for and about that time, Karen called me
back. I answered my phone with the usual, “Hello?” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Karen responded with, “Kelly, he’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">gone.</i>” She was crying. And she said it again, “Kelly! He’s GONE!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In that moment, I heard a loud, heavy, iron door slam shut in my
heart and mind. I knew there was no going back on this one. I cried out, “OH MY
GOD! OH NO!” Then I burst into tears. I knew I would never hear his voice
again. I knew I would never get another birthday card from him. I knew it was
over and he was gone forever.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I started crying, my kids came in and sat on my bed with me. Without asking, they knew the reason for my tears.<br />
<br />
My heart sank. I realized my dad didn’t know that I wanted
him to send me ladybugs. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I asked Alex to use his cell phone to call my sister. He
did. My sister was on Alex’s phone and Karen was on my cell phone. I held both
phones to opposite ears.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t remember now how it came up. I must have told my
sister that I was trying to call Karen to ask about the ladybugs and my sister
said, “Kelly he knew. He knew what was on your mind.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted to believe her, but I just couldn’t. I tried, but
somewhere in my heart I just wanted to know that he heard my request. Karen had
other phone calls she needed to make, too. So we hung up and I continued on
with Danielle. We called our mother three-way and told her the news.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We talked and cried and laughed and cried and talked until
my mom said she wanted to call her sister. She hung up. My sister and I talked
until about 1:30 my time. I went downstairs into my living room. My husband was
with me as was my older son, Ryan. They listened quietly as I talked and cried
with my sister. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ryan whispered, “Mom! Mom! Look!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got up from my seat on the loveseat and walked around to
the dining area. Jitter, our cat, was sitting on the tile floor poking at
something with his paw as a curious cat would. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I strained my eyes to see what the cat was poking. I
couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I gasped and said, “Is that?…..a? No way! A
LADYBUG???” I started laughing and crying at the same time. I exclaimed,
“Danielle! You are NOT going to believe THIS! There is a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ladybug</i> in my dining room right <i>now</i>!” I went over and bent down and
held out a finger so the ladybug could crawl onto my hand. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would NOT have believed it myself if I hadn’t seen it with
my own eyes. A ladybug was in my house
on November 2<sup>nd</sup>. I was certain it was just for me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It goes without saying that I felt pretty darned special
about that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I received four more ladybugs daily….and now only
sporadically. Of course I expect to see and look for ladybugs in the garden. It
is nice to see them. The ones I consider special gifts are the ones that land
on the window of the bedroom that was my dad's. Or the
ones that land on me. They are all tiny blessings, for sure.<o:p></o:p></div>Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-34243586946406198412012-05-26T08:35:00.000-06:002012-05-27T10:33:16.133-06:00Always<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Always<br />
<br />
I saw the word "always" as a writing prompt. Immediately, my mind began thinking thoughts of eternity or forevermore. I wrote a few jagged sentences to get my pen moving, but scratched them out. I decided to conduct an internet search on Google. com for "always". I was presented with four links to a feminine hygiene sanitary product, a music video link and a definition on dictionary.com and another definition at wikipedia.com I clicked on the link to dictionary.com. I discovered yet another avenue to find more information about sanitary pads in the upper left-hand corner of the screen.<br />
<br />
The four definitions I found were:<br />
<br />
1.) every time; on every occasion without exception<br />
2.) all the time; continuously; uninterruptedly<br />
3.) forever<br />
4.) in any even; at any time; if necessary<br />
<br />
I even check urbandictionary.com! The third definition there made me giggle! It is quite possible that the only reason it did was because it contains an f-bomb. The definition reads: "A fucking long time, sometimes for all eternity."<br />
<br />
My conclusion: The internet always provides entertainment.Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-90270310690711882632012-05-24T21:02:00.001-06:002012-05-25T08:28:31.350-06:00Chasing Light<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj41ni2h8Xx6BqbOqNqsJf-oPef4DJ430dOIYZrmKU_hmt96mt2VoPwm8KfjARZMtRlrv6aEIQa6NNeg-Le_yCLwHxS6ydrEBYJFnTmvNYN9gKwwFk1BqztcW1R32XaERWsQkm0zjv_vYw/s1600/Sunset.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj41ni2h8Xx6BqbOqNqsJf-oPef4DJ430dOIYZrmKU_hmt96mt2VoPwm8KfjARZMtRlrv6aEIQa6NNeg-Le_yCLwHxS6ydrEBYJFnTmvNYN9gKwwFk1BqztcW1R32XaERWsQkm0zjv_vYw/s320/Sunset.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
As we were out an about tonight, I wondered if my children will look back favorably on these little outings. When they were little, they almost loathed going on photo shoots with me. They'd see me dragging out my big gear bag and their bodies would start to twitch with angst. Times have changed a bit. While some of them refuse to have their faces in my line of view, I think they do enjoy the outings.Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-53007984881695247462012-05-24T12:04:00.001-06:002012-05-24T12:04:50.359-06:00A Bug In Your Ear<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUS7k91rmQDz2cDvCc93Cl0Gorf_48pLNSWB-V0BKEgt185HMLASZMfu-YFVnnpRg5fRgoV1NtyC4Tid4GT7Fm7zfqrX5W5OWMbMi54-P54fEKFuCGgyx6G-PurAJy7uTRL1spu6EEXMg/s1600/Lily.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUS7k91rmQDz2cDvCc93Cl0Gorf_48pLNSWB-V0BKEgt185HMLASZMfu-YFVnnpRg5fRgoV1NtyC4Tid4GT7Fm7zfqrX5W5OWMbMi54-P54fEKFuCGgyx6G-PurAJy7uTRL1spu6EEXMg/s320/Lily.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Life is funny, isn't it? Just when you think you have it all figured out, someone goes and changes the rules! The important thing is to not let that last bit trip you up too much. At least, that is what I have discovered.<br />
<br />
I have a week left in this place I call my home. I have a whole list of little adventures I had hoped to make before I left. But now with all the to-do lists growing longer and and the countdown clock getting closer to lift-off, I am beginning to embrace the fact that some of these adventures will have to be left undone. And that is okay.<br />
<br />
I am ready to go back home.<br />
<br />
I am ready to put down roots again.<br />
<br />
I am ready to begin this new chapter in my life.<br />
<br />
Three times this week I have been talking with various friends on the phone and have used the idiom "putting a bug in your ear" I catch myself each time and let out a grand guffaw. Why? Well, Sunday night, I finished up my homework and closed my laptop, set it on the floor and rolled over, closed my eyes and quickly drifted off to the land of nod. I was awakened by an insect which had ventured into my left ear. I heard a loud noise and I knew exactly what it was! I could hear its footsteps as though it was tap dancing on my ear drum. I had no idea how big or small the bug was. I was afraid to try to put my finger in my ear for fear I would push it further into my ear.<br />
<br />
I tore out of bed and shook my head and the bug wiggled and continued tap dancing. I knew I was going to need a doctor's help to get this remedied. Excitedly, I convinced my husband he needed to take me to urgent care <i>right now</i>.<br />
<br />
Needless to say, he was not at all amused by this rude awakening. But really, would you be able to rest knowing there was a bug...a real live, six-legged and possibly even winged creepy bug inside your head?<br />
<br />
We went downstairs to get our shoes on to leave and I was pretty certain I felt the bug walk out of my ear. After that, I didn't hear the the tiny foot steps.<br />
<br />
Once I had calmed down and decided a trip to urgent care was no longer in order, I crawled back into bed. This time I pulled the covers up over my ears.<br />
<br />
Needless to say, I hear that phrase and it has a whole new meaning to me!<br />
<br />Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-65264879864487304412012-05-24T10:38:00.004-06:002012-05-24T10:44:22.139-06:00Generations<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcl8rXw7ziB_ETEKHpyJgowaWcLOu2rNb_eL559_zJN25hpuMjl_cJW3sUyT_FphmB-UeBKYa4xGP6mmeU1k1dlTtxYATb0O2cvL4w6mmV8atHJhmSOdS-y2WqSZyLUz0PHNg2TbNGw2g/s1600/Newborn+Amanda002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcl8rXw7ziB_ETEKHpyJgowaWcLOu2rNb_eL559_zJN25hpuMjl_cJW3sUyT_FphmB-UeBKYa4xGP6mmeU1k1dlTtxYATb0O2cvL4w6mmV8atHJhmSOdS-y2WqSZyLUz0PHNg2TbNGw2g/s320/Newborn+Amanda002.jpg" width="311" /></a></div>
<br />
It was 22 years ago yesterday that I held her in my arms. Newborn Amanda was so tiny and so small. Maybe neither of us realized it then, but we both had so much to teach each other and so much to learn from each other. As she grew and matured, so did I.<br />
<br />
Now, in just a few short months, I will be a grandmother and she will be a mother. I am certain we will both learn many wonderful things in our new roles. As Little Tatum will be our brand-new, tiny teacher. As he grows and matures, so will Amanda ... and so will I.Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-1615598371796956722012-05-23T10:58:00.000-06:002012-05-23T10:58:42.762-06:00Another Adult Child<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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She counted down the days and there was a huge sigh of relief that she breathed as she walked out the doors that day last December. She met all of the requirements to graduate a semester earlier than her classmates. We knew she wanted to walk with the class in May, so we waited for the celebration.</div>
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I met her friend so he could follow me to our house. As we made our way up the winding hill, it hit my like a ton of bricks. The emotions all washed over me and I started to cry tears of joy. Her big day was finally here! Her friends and family made long drives to be here on her special day. </div>
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The ceremony was lovely. I got a lump in my throat when I heard the band play "Pomp And Circumstance" and then again when I saw my daughter walking out from behind the big black curtain. She looked so proud, confident and beautiful.</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Kaitlyn, </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I am so very proud of you. You are truly an inspiration and I love you. I am so glad I got to be YOUR mom. You are so smart and can do ANYTHING you have the desire to do. Stretch your wings and fly! </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">May you know no limits.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I love you more than Swedish Fish!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">-Mom</span></div>
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<br /></div>Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-60461410629723258672012-05-16T09:22:00.004-06:002012-05-16T09:22:48.595-06:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today, I am loving:<br />
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...that we are this much closer to moving back home.<br />
...the lovely memories we got to make over our last weekend trip to Colorado.<br />
...hot coffee brewed by my fantastic hubby in my beautiful polish pottery mug<br />
...this photograph of the apple core my daughter crafted with her teeth.<br />
...the fact that there are just 13 weeks (give or take a week or two) left to go until I get to meet my grandson<br />
...the beautiful weather today<br />
...that Kaitlyn's graduation ceremony is THIS weekend<br />
...a nice quiet morning in comfy pants<br />
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What do you love today?Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-13641134590950957752012-05-03T10:40:00.003-06:002012-05-03T10:40:40.436-06:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This week, I have:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">explored and learned important softwares</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">enjoyed breakfast in the yard with my mother</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">enjoyed long phone calls from a very special friend who lives far away</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">dreamed of tending my own garden</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">planned a very special photo shoot</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">fallen completely in love with Spring again</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">cast on another baby project for my grandson</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">celebrated Alex's accomplishment of doing well in school this year...more celebrations to follow</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">enjoyed the company of some very beautiful Orioles in my backyard! </span></div>
<span id="goog_1213050189"></span><span id="goog_1213050190"></span>Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-33178282004805208052012-04-04T17:48:00.001-06:002012-04-04T17:48:05.086-06:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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WORDLESS WEDNESDAY</div>Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-14432574212582687782012-04-04T16:56:00.003-06:002012-04-04T17:49:56.617-06:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The Quiet</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Quiet mornings are mine</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">for loving, listening, knitting, writing...dreaming.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In my home, there is a lot of living that happens,</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">but it is in these moments of quiet</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">from which I draw my strengths.</span></div>Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-22561340708612005862012-04-04T15:31:00.002-06:002012-04-04T15:31:57.965-06:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In this moment, I am loving:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">* the sunrises I get to see on the way to school with Alex</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">* breakfast for any meal</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">* quiet mornings with the windows open so I can hear the songbirds' songs</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">* starting knitting a baby blanket for my unborn grandchild</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">* Springtime and all of the beautiful green budding plants and wonderful blossoming trees</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-48714240029016937932011-11-28T15:36:00.001-07:002011-11-28T19:17:58.884-07:00Grief Changes You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My dad died on a Tuesday. He died four Tuesdays ago tomorrow. I suppose Tuesday will always have an edginess to it from this point forward.<br />
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I remember participating in a grief class just before my Grandma's death six years ago. The facilitator told us that grief changes you. I heard the words. I knew what they meant. I had experienced grief. I had lost a job. I wasn't all that crazy about the job, so that loss was not a painful loss. I'd been divorced. That was extremely painful. I still feel that pain. I could see how there was some truth in that little string of words. I could see that I had felt the pains and that I had changed as a result of those pains.<br />
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When my Grandma passed away that following April, I remember waking up the next morning and feeling like she'd left without me. My heart ached. I rolled over, buried my face in the feather pillow and cried. I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted to sit with her. I wanted to make tea for her and tuck her into her chair. I felt then that grief really does change you.<br />
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I think for me, the horror of my dad's cancer hit me like a two-by-four across the kidneys when I heard the diagnosis this July. I knew my dad was dying. I knew there was nothing I could do to change that he was "leaving". Don't get me wrong, there were definitely times I would hope that he would call and tell me the cancer was gone and I could count on another twenty-five years of having my dad in my life. But then my cynical voice would whisper those cruel things like, "But Kelly! He has <i>LUNG CANCER</i>! It's<i> LATE STAGE 4 lung cancer</i>! The cancer is already in his lymph system, and his adrenal system and his bones, and his brain." Then, my heart would sink again.<br />
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Thanksgiving was the first big holiday without my dad. I dreaded Thanksgiving. I saw on so many people's Facebook pages and blogs how they were thinking of gratitude every day in November. I could barely even think let alone focus on gratitude. I tried. I tried by creating my lists of five. That was a very uncomfortable challenge. I felt like there really wasn't much for which I could express Thanksgiving.<br />
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Sometimes, I try to engage with friends who have not endured this horror. I know they mean well. But I really need them to know that this isn't something you feel sad about for a few days and then just jump back up and are ready to go forward. I felt like some of my friends think it is like when your goldfish dies, you just flush his body down the toilet, wash your hands and then go buy another goldfish! This is NOT like that at all! Another friend when I told her I wished there was something I could do or say to help her prepare for this deep ache. She told me she is not afraid of death. Grief is not a fear of death. It is <i>loss</i>. It is mourning. It is a time of deep, intense sorrow. It is <i>grief</i>. Those two concepts are completely unrelated. Grief is ugly. Grief is painful. Grief is <i>life-changing</i>.<br />
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My dad's life is <i>over</i> and my life is forever different. There is no delete key on this one. There is no second chance.<br />
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I need my friends to understand I need a lot of love and tenderness right now. In all honesty, I don't feel like I can ask for understanding because it is a space that unless you've lost a parent...you simply cannot understand.<br />
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My sister sent me a text message this weekend that read: "I have cried so many tears I think I look like a different person!" I knew what she meant. I looked in the mirror last weekend and these dark circles under my eyes almost seem to suggest a facial structure change...and not a good one, either! I wrote back and told her I felt like I had aged a lot since November 1st. I feel it in my physical self, and my psyche.<br />
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I concur! Grief <i>does</i> change you. I feel like everything has been rewritten. I absolutely <i>hate </i>that my life stories have a point of "before dad died" and a point of "after dad died".... Really! I hate that I can't still have the innocence that my friends have that you think it is so easy to "just snap out of it!" or just decide to be happy!<br />
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Damn!<br />
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If only it were that easy.<br />
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On a different subject: There was a small window when I didn't mind utilizing the art of self portraiture. That window happened when I was younger, happier and a whole lot more confident. I knew self-portraits were helpful when my kids were younger and I didn't have very many photos of myself. But then one day, I noticed how I have more wrinkles and I looked older. I suddenly felt shy again about photos of myself. I didn't want anymore photos of me.<br />
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I read a blog somewhere...for the life of me, I can't remember which one...but I have seen a few different blogkeepers out there who suggest harnessing the power of self-portraiture. I think I have seen projects called 52 Fridays. I decided that Tuesday would be my self-portraiture day. I named my project 52 Tuesdays. I don't know if there is really anything to be gained from a project like this. Maybe there is? For now, I see a sad, 41-year-old woman who is trying to adjust to her new normal. Hopefully, that sad woman will re-emerge soon with a smile on her face. She will be changed, but I hope she will smile again. Hopefully, in the span of 52 Tuesdays, I will see that change.Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-70014574920145862852011-11-16T16:21:00.001-07:002011-11-16T16:24:16.195-07:00Gratitude<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It might be time for another short list of five things for which I feel grateful:<br />
<br />
Twizzlers<br />
computers and gadgets with which to "Geek out"<br />
family<br />
holiday music<br />
sweet, little snow flurries that set my heart a-flutter!Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-89176231970548018902011-11-13T15:12:00.001-07:002011-11-13T15:18:54.664-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
In this moment, I am grateful for:<br />
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<b>Music </b>- and the power it possess to allow us to be, do, feel everything we need to be, do or feel in the moment.<br />
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<b>The smell</b> - of dinner cooking. Hubby is cooking ribs for dinner. I can hardly wait.<br />
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<b>41 years</b> - with my dad.<br />
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<b>Internet</b> - friends and communities<br />
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<b>Photoshop</b> - and being able to create art without getting out from under the covers of my bed today...no messy clean-up, either!<br />
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<b>Purring</b> - orange kitties<br />
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<b>Down Comforters</b> - Just nothing like 'em!<br />
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<b>candles</b> - their warm glow and aromas...are so soothing<br />
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<b>quiet moments</b> - to allow for restful periods for my frazzled brain.Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-25070450263441239362011-11-12T17:40:00.001-07:002011-11-12T19:07:34.205-07:00Will I Ever Recover From This?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
I thought that I was going to be okay. But I wasn't.<br />
<br />
I helped with the printing of the programs. Helping felt good. It was sad, but feeling useful was good for me.<br />
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Yesterday was my dad's memorial service in South Carolina. There were a lot of eleven's yesterday that will forever remain significant to me. The memorial service started at the beginning of the eleventh hour on the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the year 2011. I wanted to go, but our financial situation is not favorable for lots of travel. I decided that I would travel later to the Inurnment. That way, my kids could join us, too.<br />
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I counted down the hours to the service; then counted down the minutes. I was a scatterbrained mess. Focusing on any task was next to impossible. I just couldn't do it. I tried shopping for a few things, but I ended up putting the items back on the shelves and walking out of the store without spending a penny. I cried so many tears. This makes me worry about the final piece...the burial. I hope I can keep it together.<br />
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I listened to Avril Lavigne's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8zoN7w2nVw">Slipped Away</a> about ten times. I spent a significant amount of time watching Muppets snippets on YouTube. (My dad LOVED The Muppet Show and Fraggle Rock!) I listened to "The Point" by Harry Nilsson twice. <strike>I cried</strike>. I sobbed. I miss my dad. I think I had three mini panic attacks throughout the day. My throat felt tight! The room started to spin! I couldn't breathe! I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I close my eyes tight and and the tears came easily. Crying was the only thing that helped relieve the heartache....and it didn't really even take the hurt away.<br />
<br />
I have been showered with a lot of love. That has been wonderful. I have had so many of my friends whom I have never met in person reach out in such loving support. It truly makes up for the cold shoulder others have given since I received the diagnosis in July. <b style="font-style: italic;">Cancer isn't contagious!</b><b style="font-style: italic;"> </b> Why did some of my friends desert me in my hour of need? <b style="font-style: italic;">I couldn't believe some of the insensitivity I witnessed! </b>I know that each human being precesses death and grief differently. I am so thankful for the friends who have stood by me asking for Skype sessions even though my eyelids are purple and blistered from the copious amounts of salty tears that have washed over them and been wiped away. And the friends who have offered me such loving advice for coping with this pain. And for the encouragement to use this experience to grow. I am not able to accept it as that just yet. Maybe soon?<br />
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My guess is that this is only the beginning...I can see that this grief journey is going to be a long one. For now, I need to feel it. I need to cry. I need to move through this at my own pace. My mom tells me this painful sting never goes away. <i>Never?!?! </i>This is the most excruciating thing I have ever endured. The grief I felt with my divorce was painful. The grief I felt from the death of my grandmother was painful. This grief is beyond comprehension. I wonder if I will ever recover!<br />
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I could feel it. In July, when my dad got the diagnosis, I could feel that everything was being completely rewritten. My stories, my identity, my history, my future....<i>EVERYTHING</i>! This experience has truly been life changing. I don't like it! I don't want to accept it.<br />
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I don't have a choice!<br />
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Grief hurts.<br />
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Now, I face a year of firsts! First Thanksgiving (without Dad), First Christmas (without Dad).<br />
<br />
<br />Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8079296216017753114.post-83712526156195584082011-11-03T23:25:00.000-06:002011-11-03T23:25:41.365-06:00Violent Thunder<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
It's quiet.<br />
It's dark.<br />
I feel alone<br />
...and deeply sad.<br />
The words: "He's gone." boom through my heart and head<br />
...like violent thunder.<br />
I feel those rumblings all throughout my body...this is excruciating.Java Venushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11683328435294640562noreply@blogger.com2