Saturday, November 12, 2011

Will I Ever Recover From This?

I thought that I was going to be okay. But I wasn't.

I helped with the printing of the programs. Helping felt good. It was sad, but feeling useful was good for me.

Yesterday was my dad's memorial service in South Carolina. There were a lot of eleven's yesterday that will forever remain significant to me. The memorial service started at the beginning of the eleventh hour on the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the year 2011. I wanted to go, but our financial situation is not favorable for lots of travel. I decided that I would travel later to the Inurnment. That way, my kids could join us, too.

I counted down the hours to the service; then counted down the minutes. I was a scatterbrained mess. Focusing on any task was next to impossible. I just couldn't do it. I tried shopping for a few things, but I ended up putting the items back on the shelves and walking out of the store without spending a penny. I   cried so many tears. This makes me worry about the final piece...the burial. I hope I can keep it together.

I listened to Avril Lavigne's Slipped Away about ten times. I spent a significant amount of time watching Muppets snippets on YouTube. (My dad LOVED The Muppet Show and Fraggle Rock!) I listened to "The Point" by Harry Nilsson twice. I cried. I sobbed. I miss my dad. I think I had three mini panic attacks throughout the day. My throat felt tight! The room started to spin! I couldn't breathe! I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I close my eyes tight and and the tears came easily. Crying was the only thing that helped relieve the heartache....and it didn't really even take the hurt away.

I have been showered with a lot of love. That has been wonderful. I have had so many of my friends whom I have never met in person reach out in such loving support. It truly makes up for the cold shoulder others have given since I received the diagnosis in July. Cancer isn't contagious!  Why did some of my friends desert me in my hour of need? I couldn't believe some of the insensitivity I witnessed! I know that each human being precesses death and grief differently. I am so thankful for the friends who have stood by me asking for Skype sessions even though my eyelids are purple and blistered from the copious amounts of salty tears that have washed over them and been wiped away. And the friends who have offered me such loving advice for coping with this pain. And for the encouragement to use this experience to grow. I am not able to accept it as that just yet. Maybe soon?

My guess is that this is only the beginning...I can see that this grief journey is going to be a long one. For now, I need to feel it. I need to cry. I need to move through this at my own pace. My mom tells me this painful sting never goes away. Never?!?! This is the most excruciating thing I have ever endured. The grief I felt with my divorce was painful. The grief I felt from the death of my grandmother was painful. This grief is beyond comprehension. I wonder if I will ever recover!

I could feel it. In July, when my dad got the diagnosis, I could feel that everything was being completely rewritten. My stories, my identity, my history, my future....EVERYTHING! This experience has truly been life changing. I don't like it! I don't want to accept it.

I don't have a choice!

Grief hurts.

Now, I face a year of firsts! First Thanksgiving (without Dad), First Christmas (without Dad).


fishyfishyfishy said...

Kelly, I feel your pain, yes a sister is different from a parent but both that same unconditional love for family. From my experience you will recover from it in time, like your mom said, it will always hurt but for me its a different kind of hurt, the hurt that comes when you really miss her/him, wish you could ask for advice or help, or just to chat. After a while things like the muppets will no longer make you cry as much, but make you have a hint of a smile and less longing because its almost as if you can feel that person watching it with you. Lots and lots of prayers really helped me through the hardest times. God can take your sadness, anger, complaints, anything you can throw at him, because he understands your pain he knows that your hurting, I still get a little angry myself. but for me I'm ok with it now because everything happens for a reason, and I know that I will see my loved ones again. Your dad isn't gone forever he is with you now even if you cant see him, and if you believe it so, you will see him again it just might be longer than you want.
Just know that your friends and your family love you, and there wasn't anything you could do to change what happened (yes even I tried to find something that I could have done to change what happened to Becky)
Most of that all sounded repetitive and heard it a bazillion times already but that is my advice for you.
You and your family are in our prayers and I hope that your hurting can lessen a little.

Java Venus said...

Oh, Amanda! Thank you so much for your insight and wisdom on this. Grief sure isn't easy, is it? Thank you so much for taking the time to write a lovely heartfelt message. :) Thank you for the encouragement, too!

I hope to see you soon!